You know you are a mom when...

...the back of your car resembles a sports' locker.

...you think it's perfectly acceptable to add body wash to the inflatable pool in the backyard and call it bath time.  (Oh, yes, I did!)

...a trip to the grocery store all by yourself  is considered a luxury.

...you consider a trip to your mother's house a better vacation than Hawaii because your mom will cook and clean and watch the kids!

...time is measured in the lengths of TV shows like "This road trip will take 7 Diegos."

...in researching potential pets, you consider urine output an important factor because you know the cage won't be cleaned as frequently as you'd like.

...the only writing instruments you can find in your purse have cartoon characters, hearts or Star Wars figures on them.

...you think it's all worth it for these ones:

Phony Photos

More photos from my phone of daily life:

1. Silly Logan on a looooong road trip  2. the long road  3. digging beach day  4. California girls  5. one of our newest friends  6. lemon pesto pasta for an al fresco summer dinner  7. handsome Jack  8. swim time  9. playtime

1. lots of pool time  2. summer lovin'  3. Logan and Bri  4. snacking at the park

Learning to Parent

We were just told that parent training was recommended for Scott and I due to a recent diagnoses for one of our kids.  When the psychologist made the recommendation she cringed a little and waited for a backlash.  She mentioned that many parents are upset at the idea that they need training on how to parent their child (and in this case, a child with psychological disorder).  Scott's and my reaction couldn't have been further from that.  "Bring it on!"  "How soon can we start?"

I think that nurturing comes naturally to most parents.  But I don't think that parenting does.  We read parenting books and do internet research.  We talk to our friends and call our moms for advice.  We ask our pediatrician and teacher's opinions.  We attend conferences, workshops and classes.  Learning to parent takes a lot of work.  And then factor in that most children need to be parented differently.  In our home, we definitely have three distinct parenting strategies.  It's not something we've really thought about but something that has just evolved as the kids grow and change.  No wonder we are exhausted.

Ethiopia Travel Journal - Part 4 - Lalibela

Even when I got back from Ethiopia and began posting about my trip, this day in Lalibela was difficult to write about.  The ancient churches carved straight from the ground are too wondrous to put into words.  I knew there was no way I could do them justice.  But I do want them included in this journal so here goes...two years later...

July 25, 2010
Considering my girls are from the south and Lalibela is in the north, it was definitely an out of the way trip for my mom and I. But Lalibela is thought of as the unofficial 8th wonder of the world and is probably the most famous thing to see in Ethiopia. (Personally, I think someone should make it an official wonder of the world. It's that amazing!)

Our morning flight from Addis was short but unfortunately delayed. And then there was some waiting for our ride to depart for the hotel. And the town of Lalibela is rather isolated and quite a distance from the airport. Soooooo, by the time we got to our hotel, Tukul Village, I was frantic to see the famous churches because we were leaving early the next morning. I was forced to settle down because the churches were closed for 2 hours during lunchtime. Luckily, we were able to see everything we wanted to in our one afternoon in Lalibela so all my stress was for naught.

The view on the drive to town from the airport.

Our room at Tukul Village Hotel

Tukul Village Hotel

It is believed that the rock-hewn churches of Lalibela were carved in the 12th century AD.  I say carved and not built because individual stones were not used to construct these buildings.  Instead, workers carved down into volcanic rock to make the outside shape of the walls.  Then they carved windows and kept carving and crawling in to hollow out the interior.  Of course, all of this was done with out modern tools.  Each structure is made from one single piece of rock...from the floor to the ceiling, exterior and interior walls, stairs and second floors, decorative columns and details, doors and windows...one single piece of rock.  

This area is an UNESCO World Heritage site and is being preserved by these hideously huge structures covering them. Luckily I was able to get most of my photos without them but here you can see how big and deep the churches are (and how ugly the UNESCO roof is).




Here are a few photos of the amazing churches of Lalibela:

Ancient crypts carved into the ground

The famous gold Lalibela Cross

A painting of the story of the Queen of Sheba

The most well-known church, Bet Giyorgis (St. George)

This church was carved out of a cave and has had to be restored using individual blocks

Pathways carved from rock

Lalibela is something to be seen in person and even then it is still not to be believed.   Such a magical and beautiful and tranquil place...  I can't wait to take the whole family there one day.

Babies Again

Besides the severe tantrums that I mentioned in another post, the girls are having other adoption-related behavioral issues specifically with food and regression.

One of their regression behaviors (which is not challenging or an issue) is extremely interesting to witness.  When either of the girls lay flat on their back with me sitting right next to them, they lift up their legs, knees bent, and gently kick.  Their arms make sudden jerky movements.  And they typically make cooing noises and smile.  I am automatically reminded of an infant responding to their mama's affections.  Though the girls frequently see babies, they are usually in carriers or strollers and never in a completely prone position.  So it doesn't feel to me that they are copying a behavior they have seen recently.  It feels like they need to be babies again, if only for a few minutes.

Phony Photos

More snippets of daily life taken with my phone:

 1. Jack mining for minerals and gems  2. sleepy Des in Papa's arms  3. Bri taking a break form picking boysenberries  4. Logan in the strawberry patch

 

1. Bri, Des and their good friend, Yuliya, dressed to impress  2. Jack on a pony ride  3. Papa and the kids on the train on Father's Day  4. Logan and his pony  5. Jack and Great (Aunt) Dona performing circus acts at the beach  6. the 'kid's table" at a lunch out  7. Logan and kinder friends on the 2nd to last day of school  8. Papa's favorite place to eat  9. Des and a new hairstyle (rope twists with snaps)

 

1. Logan and Jack starting off summer at a pool party  2. cuddly Bri with Mama  3. what happens you shut the half door to the girls' room and think they are happily playing  4. Jordan, Des and Bri enjoying summer

Big Feelings in Little Kids

The girls have been home for nearly two years now.  Two years filled with a lot of love and growth.  Two years filled with a lot of challenges.

I love Des and Bri with every fiber of my being.  And I would take this crazy journey again in an instant to have them be a part of our family.  But almost daily there are still very real challenges to parenting two "damaged" young children.

Imagine having your family leave you at an orphanage.  Imagine getting moved several more times over the course of a few months.  Imagine being taken half a world away and living in a very foreign atmosphere.  Imagine losing every person you've ever known and your language and your culture.  Everything looks different and smells different and tastes different and sounds different.  Though I don't really like the word "damaged," I think any child going through what I've described above (the loss of everything, the grief, the feelings of abandonment) would be considered severely emotionally wounded.

Do Bri and Des know we love them?  Absolutely...but it doesn't change what happened to them before us.  The girls test us a million times a day.  If they do X, will we leave them?  What about if they do Y?  And Z?  Will that be the straw that breaks our backs?

They have big feelings that come out in big ways...biting, hitting, kicking.  Sometimes they shut down and go completely blank.  And very frequently (sometimes multiple times a day), they have 45-minute-long tantrums in which they are inconsolable and contradictory and don't even know what they want.  They thrash their little bodies with all their strength.  They scream and cry.  They jump and stomp and throw themselves on the floor and into walls.  It takes a lot out of them.  And it takes a lot out of the rest of the family too.

Most of these severe fits happen at home which is good because the other three kids get little to no attention from me while this behavior is happening.  And the tantrums seem to come in waves.  I think the big feelings are always there but sometimes the girls are able to tame them and other periods of time they can't. Usually the girls take turns going through periods of these outbursts (hallelujah!).

Of course, in addition to the possible adoption-related triggers, there are other contributing factors.  They are twins and frequently egg each other on.  They are best friends and worst enemies, sometimes taking the brunt of their sister's big feelings.  There is also their age to consider.  At this point, I'm not sure how old they are but the ages of 2, 3 and 4 years old are all challenging for parents.

I am surprised that after almost two years there are still so many behavioral challenges with Des and Bri.  There are a few more issues but none as all consuming and exhausting and challenging as the tantrums.  The girls have grown and changed so much since coming home that I know these behaviors will eventually pass...I just wish I knew when...