Happy Family Anniversary!

Today is the 3 year anniversary of Des and Bri being home with our family.  It is amazing how much they have grown and changed in those years.  And it's safe to say that none of us could imagine life without each other.  I'm also reflecting on the fact that the girls have been a part of our family and in America for a bit longer than they were in Ethiopia.

Their first night home, they fell asleep in Scott's arms...so happy to have finally found a safe and comfortable place to rest.  And he's been snuggling them ever since...

8/1/10

8/1/11

8/1/12

8/1/13

An Almost Typical Thursday

Recently, I took all four kids on the Metro just because they have been asking me all summer to ride it.  The ride out was uneventful.  But waiting on the platform to get back on the train and then on the return ride, we were literally surrounded by people asking questions and commenting on me and my family.  People were so curious they were asking questions over each other.  I don't get nervous easily but by the time we got off the train, I was a bit rattled.  Here is a portion of what I remember from the return Metro ride:

" Are you a missionary?

When did you get them?

You wouldn't think a white family would want black kids.

Are they yours?

You should get some dead sea soap.  It will clear that right up.

They must look like your husband.

Which one is older?  I mean, which one came out first?

Where did they come from?

Are you a vegetarian or health food person?  You seem like you would be.

Did you do their hair?

Are your sons adopted?

Don't let people touch their hair.  85% of Mexico has a parasite that they bring here and I don't want things crawling in my hair.

Awww...look, she really loves you.

Are they adopted?

What are their names?

How old are they?

You can buy dead sea soap in bulk.  You should get some.

Is their hair real?

How do they get along with your own kids?  "

For the record, none of my kids are deaf.  They can all hear everything being said about us.  And also for the record, none of my kids are mute.  They can choose to answer simple questions like their names and ages if they are only treated like humans and asked them.

Typing this up has been rather therapeutic.  Reading it over now I can't help but chuckle at how ridiculous people can be.  But in the thick of it, it didn't feel quite so benign.  And I can't help but think how these questions and comments are affecting all four of my children.

Happy Anniversary Girls!

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the girls coming home.  They have grown and changed so much in that time.  It's not always easy having so many young kids so close in age but we, as a family, have grown and changed too in the past years.  Des and Bri have brought so much to our family.

Their first night home, they fell asleep in Scott's arms...so happy to have finally found a safe and comfortable place to rest.  And he's been snuggling them ever since...

8/1/10

8/1/11

8/1/12

Babies Again

Besides the severe tantrums that I mentioned in another post, the girls are having other adoption-related behavioral issues specifically with food and regression.

One of their regression behaviors (which is not challenging or an issue) is extremely interesting to witness.  When either of the girls lay flat on their back with me sitting right next to them, they lift up their legs, knees bent, and gently kick.  Their arms make sudden jerky movements.  And they typically make cooing noises and smile.  I am automatically reminded of an infant responding to their mama's affections.  Though the girls frequently see babies, they are usually in carriers or strollers and never in a completely prone position.  So it doesn't feel to me that they are copying a behavior they have seen recently.  It feels like they need to be babies again, if only for a few minutes.

Big Feelings in Little Kids

The girls have been home for nearly two years now.  Two years filled with a lot of love and growth.  Two years filled with a lot of challenges.

I love Des and Bri with every fiber of my being.  And I would take this crazy journey again in an instant to have them be a part of our family.  But almost daily there are still very real challenges to parenting two "damaged" young children.

Imagine having your family leave you at an orphanage.  Imagine getting moved several more times over the course of a few months.  Imagine being taken half a world away and living in a very foreign atmosphere.  Imagine losing every person you've ever known and your language and your culture.  Everything looks different and smells different and tastes different and sounds different.  Though I don't really like the word "damaged," I think any child going through what I've described above (the loss of everything, the grief, the feelings of abandonment) would be considered severely emotionally wounded.

Do Bri and Des know we love them?  Absolutely...but it doesn't change what happened to them before us.  The girls test us a million times a day.  If they do X, will we leave them?  What about if they do Y?  And Z?  Will that be the straw that breaks our backs?

They have big feelings that come out in big ways...biting, hitting, kicking.  Sometimes they shut down and go completely blank.  And very frequently (sometimes multiple times a day), they have 45-minute-long tantrums in which they are inconsolable and contradictory and don't even know what they want.  They thrash their little bodies with all their strength.  They scream and cry.  They jump and stomp and throw themselves on the floor and into walls.  It takes a lot out of them.  And it takes a lot out of the rest of the family too.

Most of these severe fits happen at home which is good because the other three kids get little to no attention from me while this behavior is happening.  And the tantrums seem to come in waves.  I think the big feelings are always there but sometimes the girls are able to tame them and other periods of time they can't. Usually the girls take turns going through periods of these outbursts (hallelujah!).

Of course, in addition to the possible adoption-related triggers, there are other contributing factors.  They are twins and frequently egg each other on.  They are best friends and worst enemies, sometimes taking the brunt of their sister's big feelings.  There is also their age to consider.  At this point, I'm not sure how old they are but the ages of 2, 3 and 4 years old are all challenging for parents.

I am surprised that after almost two years there are still so many behavioral challenges with Des and Bri.  There are a few more issues but none as all consuming and exhausting and challenging as the tantrums.  The girls have grown and changed so much since coming home that I know these behaviors will eventually pass...I just wish I knew when...

A rough one...

Today was a difficult day.  There were many long tantrums (surprisingly none from me).  There were many tears (some from me).  I'm not sure where all the angst came from but some of the kids were extremely upset today.  When it comes to Des and Bri, I am always left wondering if it's twin behavior, typically 4 year old stuff or something much deeper related to the trauma of adoption.  My gut tells me that there is no way to separate the reasons...they all contribute.  And does it really matter what the reason is?  They are struggling and acting out.  And I do my best to survive the storms...

The End of a Very Long Chapter

We started the adoption roller-coaster ride the summer of 2007, almost five years ago. After months of research, we picked a country and agency. Then we spent 9 long months putting together our dossier. When our paperwork finally made it to China we feared that we might be waiting 8 years before we met our daughter. We certainly hoped it would be sooner, much sooner, but we wanted to be realistic.  We spent our wait time reading books and watching TV specials about China.  We bought books for the boys about China and enrolled them in a Mandarin language class.  We took trips to Chinatown and soaked in the sights, sounds and smells.

After a year and a half of officially waiting, we knew that that we shouldn't wait much longer.  Waiting took a toll on Scott and I...reading adoption rumors, keeping track of others' referrals, reading official Chinese adoption news, trying to determine when it would be our time for a referral.  The longer we waited, our possible referral date managed to get further away.  How was it that our wait was actually getting longer as time passed?  We knew that it would be years and years...in fact, though the officials in China won't say how long a wait it would be, there are mathematical calculations that say we wouldn't see our daughter's face until 2018.

So, Scott and I did some soul-searching and some more adoption and cultural research.  We realized that though we had invested a lot of time and a lot of emotion and some money into adopting from China, that was not where our daughter was from.  We turned our attention and hearts to Ethiopia and added two beautiful daughters to our family.

And now it's officially time to close our dossier in China.  Waiting for a child that is years from even being conceived felt more and more ridiculous as time has gone on.  It is bittersweet though.  For years I imagined what our family would look like...Scott and I, Jack and Logan and a daughter of Chinese heritage.

Do I regret getting in line for China?  Absolutely not.  It was the first of many steps that led us to Ethiopia and our two amazing daughters.

September and October - a recap

My blogging hasn't just fallen by the wayside. It's fallen off the curb, been run over like roadkill and dragged back to the gutter before being swept down the storm drain. I'm going to try and get it back on track though. I haven't really done photo albums or journals since the kids have come along because I was recording family memories by blogging. So I owe it to my kids to keep at it.

Here is a recap of the past two months:

The boys started school. Logan is in kindergarten and Jack is in 1st grade.




The girls went back to preschool.


We had a court appointment to readopt the girls in California. And then celebrated by heading to the beach where I took tons of pictures.



Des and Bri have been taking weekly classes at the Ethiopian Cultural Center. Sometimes the boys also come and we try to coax them into doing a little habasha dancing. The girls were asked to "perform" at a charity event with some other dancers. I have to say that I was a bit emotional watching them strut around on stage shaking their little shoulders with other beautiful Ethiopians.


And how else would October end but with Halloween photos. Logan wanted to be "the really fast guy" AKA Flash. Bri and Des' preschool has a mouse costume that they take turns wearing over and over again every day. So what else is a mama to do but make them their own mice costumes? Jack wanted to be Wolverine but when he saw how great the girls' costumes were turning out he changed his mind (the day before Halloween) and decided to be a raccoon.

Happy 6 Month Anniversary!

Its common in the adoption community to say that you shouldn't really evaluate your new family until the kids have been home for six months. Well, I can hardly believe it but Des and Bri have been home for six months. In many ways it feels like they have always been a part of our family and other times it seems like yesterday that I was meeting them in Ethiopia.

In the beginning, I had a very rough time. And when Mama has a rough time, the rest of the family has rough time. Luckily, the post adoption depression is being held at bay and life is (mostly) good.

Jack has had major life changes in the past six months and he has struggled. That has been hard for this mama to watch. He started kindergarten which meant a few things...he was no longer a big fish in a small comfortable pond but a tiny fish in an unfamiliar huge pond. He no longer shared a classroom and friends with Logan and myself. Add to that a much longer school day, homework, making new friends, and a major change in his homelife and we've got one stressed out 5 year old on our hands.

As with Jack, this is Logan's first time being separated from his brother. But he still has me around a lot and his daily routine hasn't changed much. Plus he loves telling everyone that he is a big brother. He has really turned into the middle child...frequently forgotten to be fed breakfast but rarely complaining about it.

As for Des and Bri, I'm planning a separate post for the girls because their changes over the past six months have been profound.

Overall, our family definitely feels like it has jelled over the six months. Our routines have solidified. I can go out with all four kids without imagining the worst happening. We can finally all go out to eat again, something we did very frequently before the girls came home. We can co-exist within this house that is a bit too small for six people (and all their stuff). I have learned embrace the fact that having four kids is way different than having two kids. Jack and Logan help look out for their sisters. Des and Bri understand more and communicate better. Scott and I have a better idea of what to expect in most situations.

Over the course of these six months, we've always felt like a family. But now, we feel more like a unit, a team...working together and moving in the same direction. I'm looking forward to the next six months and the next and the next. But even more, I'm enjoying right now.

A New (Old) Me

I am seriously surprised at how much things have changed and in such a short amount of time. I think talking about the problem with family and friends has definitely helped. And though I'm not always a proponent of Western medicines quick fix (pop a pill to rid you of your symptoms), in this case it was needed and desperately. Once our family finds our "new normal" (probably when the boys have a solid school routine and the girls have been with us a bit longer), I'm going to look into some natural alternatives to treat depression and discuss options with my doctor.

So how am I different since being on a medication? I sing spontaneously. I act silly with the kids. I snuggle more. I kiss more. I have 100% more patience. I have 100% less irritability. I don't feel like I'm dragging myself everywhere. I read books to the kids. I haven't cried. I'm significantly less frustrated. I smile.

The new me feels a lot like the old me. Which is good...

Before, I felt like we were barely surviving. Today, I feel like we are on the verge of thriving.

Again, I'm not a pill-pusher. But for me, a little pink pill was just what the patient ordered.

Click HERE for part 1.
Click HERE for part 2.

And a special shout out to the IAN mamas who live scattered all across the country but still managed to get several homemade meals to my family. It was an insanely generous and unexpected act of kindness. IAN families rock!

And another shout out to the Rancho mamas. I'm glad that school is back in session and I will have my daily dose of grown-up talk to help keep me sane.

A Little Pink Pill...

Thank you for all the comments and emails. It means so much to have people sympathize with my situation and some who even have shared experiences. I have started taking some medication and call it fast-acting or maybe even the placebo effect, but the very next day after taking the meds was a much better day. Oh, what a difference a little pink pill can make!

In doing some more research, I've been surprised to learn a few more things about PADS:

• As many as 65% of adoptive parents experience PADS.
• It can affect mothers or fathers.
  
• It is more common in parents that have adopted internationally.
  
• And it is more common for parents that have brought home a child older than an infant whom is not the first child.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, what I had been going through didn't look like what I thought depression looked like. So what did my depression look like (pre-meds)? Lots and lots of anger. Rage. Seething. (How can I be this mad at 4 of the most beautiful kids in the world?) Severe irritability. Heightened sensitivity to sound. Frustration. Sadness. Guilt. Reduced capacity for compassion. Lack of patience. Frequent headaches. Horrible back pain. Low energy level. Trouble making decisions. Extremely unrealistic expectations.

That was me for more than five weeks. Thank goodness that the medicine is diminishing all of the above symptoms.

I will say, that through it all, the one thing I have not felt is regret. I love all of my children. I love my husband. I love the decisions we've made. And even when life was dark, I knew that one day there would be light.

Click HERE to read part 1.

The Ugly Truth

I've recently realized something. It's an embarrassing and guilt-ridden and shameful secret. But I'm going to post about it...in public...for all to read. I have Post Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS).

In all of my adoption research, I had heard of PADS and though I know that I have been "going through something" for the past month I wouldn't have thought to call it "depression." What I'm experiencing doesn't look like what I thought depression looked like. However, after doing some online research I realize now that I definitely have PADS.

Looking back I can clearly see that I have had periods of depression several times in my adult life. And the way I've dealt with (or in some cases not dealt with) my depression has been very different pre- and post-children. Before becoming a mother I was able to lie low, distance myself from friends, stay in bed all day. When I was annoyed and irritated with everyone I could just retreat. This is simply not possible as a mama of young children.

So, when I've had bouts of depression since becoming a mother, I've alternated between sadness and anger. Jack and Logan have experienced my crying and shouting more times than I count. And that triggers the guilt. Now with Des and Bri at home, I can't help feeling like I've ruined six lives. Every day is insanely stressful and everyone is feeling frustrated. My patience and feelings of compassion are practically non-existent.

For me, the first step is knowing what I have and that I am not alone. The following articles/blog posts were very helpful in my self-diagnosis:
Post-Adoption Depression by Melissa Fay Greene
Post-adoption Panic by Melissa Fay Greene
My Lightbulb Moment by Julie Gumm

The second step is getting help for which I'm getting together a gameplan. In the meantime, I'm living by the motto "fake it 'til you make it." My Facebook updates and previous blog posts have all been an act. In public, I put on this big fake smile and just try to muddle through the days. Hopefully, I can get some help soon and find a real smile to brighten my children's days.

Curious Strangers

We definitely stand out whenever we go out. Whether it's just me and the girls or me with all four kids or all six of us together, we always get a comment or two or three. The typical opener for curious strangers is "Are they twins?" or "Wow, you have your hands full!" or "They are sooooo cute." For the most part, the conversation or questions that follow those openers are fairly benign and forgettable. However, in the past two weeks I've had the following weird (and in the case of adults, sometimes downright rude) followups:

From kids:

• "They don't look like you. You are really pink."
  
• "When are they going to lose their tan?"
• "Are those Indian babies?"
• "Are you babysitting because you are white and the babies are black?"

From adults:

• "Are they black or African?"
• "They are adopted? There was something wrong with them, huh?"
• "Which country are they from? I thought so."

For the record, I'm pretty much okay with anything a kid says. I will happily answer any question or explain anything they are confused about in an age appropriate manner. The problem with the adults is that their questions don't always seem to be appropriate given their age...really, they should know better!

1 week!

At this time next week, my plane will be taking off for Ethiopia. I'll be leaving all my boys at home to go and get our girls. I think the only thing I can say for sure is that it is going to be a wild ride...

I'm happy that the family Scott and I hoped for will finally be a reality.
I'm excited to meet Bri and Des.
I'm nervous about leaving Jack, Logan and Scott.
I'm grateful my mom is coming with me.
I'm desperate to see the girls smiling.
I'm scared that something could go wrong while I'm in Ethiopia.
I'm anxious to go already...and to come home already.

2 weeks!

Why International Adoption?

I've been asked several times (in person and through my blog) why we chose international adoption over the American foster care system. I thought I'd try and explain it here...

I guess I see it as kids are kids. I’m a human and a mom before I’m an American. So, a kid in China or Ethiopia is no more or less in need or deserving of a family than a kid in America. In that sense, they are equal.

What then sways me to international adoption is that in this country (and in my state) birth parents’ rights are often paramount. They seem to always be given a second and third (and maybe even more) chance. (Do some birth parents deserve extra chances? Absolutely. And will some of those extra chances result in a reunited, happy, healthy family? I hope so.) But each time a birth family is given another chance (whether deserved or not, successful or not) I imagine a foster family is left with a broken heart.

I don’t want to be a foster mom. I want to be someone’s “forever” mom. Just like, I don’t want Jack and Logan to be someone’s foster brothers but “forever” siblings. I can’t imagine trying to explain to them why their sister or brother would not be living with us anymore.

I guess I’m selfish in that I want to protect my heart (and my husband’s and Jack’s and Logan’s). And since I believe that all kids are equal and there are kids in need of families in other parts of the world, I choose international adoption.

3 weeks!

Gifts for the girls...

We've finally got a package of little gifts to send to Des and Bri. A family traveling to pick up their sons in mid-July (thanks Kristen and Kasey!) will be taking it to our daughters at the IAN care center.

We found little bags that Jack and Logan embroidered on some "decoration."

Yes, Logan likes to do his arts and crafts in underwear and a baseball hat.

We filled the bags with cute sunglasses, play cellphones and photo albums filled with pictures of our crazy family.
I can't wait to see their sweet faces when they get a glimpse of our crazy (but lovable) family!

Starting to countdown...

Well, plans are being made...I've got plane tickets to Ethiopia and a rough itinerary! My mom will be traveling with me while Scott and the boys will be staying home and working on getting things ready around the house for Des and Bri.

Mom and I leave in 4 weeks! We will spend a bit of time traveling to the south where the girls are from and then to Lalibela in the north. The rest of the time will be spent in the capital with the girls. We will be back in California and be reunited with the rest of the family on August 1st.

I am so excited to have the opportunity to travel around Ethiopia. Though I've been to Africa twice before, I've never been to Ethiopia and think it is so important to experience my daughters' culture firsthand. On the flipside, I've never spent a night apart from Jack and Logan, let alone 12 nights. I know that it will be excruciatingly difficult but they are being left in good hands. I probably should worry more about Scott!

We passed!!!

Woohoo! We passed court today. I am so excited (and bit shocked) that Desta and Debritu are actually a part of our family. And while I am thrilled, I can't help but think of their Ethiopian family...how hard it must have been for them today, how they are feeling, how the girls are feeling. I am very aware that in the adoption triad (the birth family, the child(ren) and the adoptive family), the adoptive family is the only part that does not experience loss and grief from the adoption process.

The girls are already so loved and such a part of this crazy family. I'm excited to see what the future holds for all of us.

Here are a few pictures of our sweet daughters:

Desta and Debritu (in May)

Desta (in May)

Debritu (in June)

Desta and Debritu (in June)

We are hoping to have an US Embassy appointment in Addis on July 28. At that time the girls would get visas for their Ethiopian passports so that they can come to America. My mom and I will be traveling to bring them home while the boys (Scott, Jack and Logan) hold down the fort.